Dirty Window
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: "...I just wanted to say that that smile's much nicer than your fake one. You should do it more often." Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Lewacentric. Alternate Chapter 6 now up.
1. King of Pain

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone mentioned in this fic, sorry. Well...OK, I own Natay. Whoa, I just rhymed. Awesome. But there's only slight mentions of her, so nya. "Show Me Love" belongs to t.A.T.u. 

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window ****  
****By: Saya Moonshadow ****  
****Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_"This was an accident __  
__Not the kind where sirens sound __  
__Never even noticed __  
__We're suddenly crumbling..."_

X x X

The morning I broke the mirror in my hut was the morning I knew something was wrong. It wasn't just because of all the superstitions that to break a mirror is seven years of bad luck; I'm not THAT stupid. But I knew, as I knelt to pick up the broken pieces, that something was about to go terribly, horribly wrong.

I just couldn't stand the sight of my own eyes, staring back at me, anymore. They always seem to mock me, looking back at me with none of the happiness and cheer I always try to have. So I broke the mirror. That's all. I drew back my fist and punched it as hard as I could, and it shattered. Blood dripped down my hand from where the sharp shards had cut me, but I didn't mind. Anything to make those eyes stop staring.

My natural klutziness didn't help me, and I ended up getting cut on my knees as well as my hands. But it didn't matter.

The more I bled...the more I hurt myself...

I wanted my teammates to notice me. It was always Tahu or Kopaka or Takanuva who got the spotlight, nearly all the time. I don't get it. All Takanuva did was find a mask, and he's hailed as a hero. Me, well, I managed to get myself turned bad not once, but twice. Both times though, I broke free due to sheer force of will!

And I was looked at warily and fearfully because of it.

What about Tahu? He got hit with a krana too! Sure, it was only for like, two seconds, but the fact remains that the great, grand, fire-spouting leader of the Toa was careless. He got lucky. Me, I was around so many krana and Bohrok all the time, I couldn't break free.

The memories of what they thought of me still haunted me. I guess I should have known. I really thought they liked me, though. Sure, I was annoying and all, but I was still their brother.

Brother means family, right? That's what I always believed. Apparently not, though. They didn't think enough of me to consider me part of their family.

I retched suddenly, and wiped the trickle of blood off of my mouth. I stared at it curiously. What the heck? Where'd that come from? Maybe my ribs still hadn't healed from the other day when I took on a Nui Kopen by myself. It got me in the chest, nearly knocked me out of the air, but I managed to defeat it...well enough.

It was probably nothing. It hurt a lot, yeah, but the pain went away as suddenly as it had appeared.

But back to the memory...Mata Nui, it hurts worse than anything. 

_"Guys!" I called, jumping from tree to tree with several fruits and melons in my arms from foraging on one of our missions. I had gotten all my teammate's favorites, too - and in only thirty minutes. It was a new feat; I should've gotten a medal or something. ___

_I heard someone saying my name and, knowing they hadn't heard me yet, crouched on a tree limb to listen. My mouth was curved upwards into a huge smile; I was so sure they were about to praise me and my recent accomplishments. ___

_How wrong I was. ___

_"...should've gotten Takanuva before Lewa, shouldn't we?" Tahu was saying. I felt my heart stop. ___

_Pohatu laughed. "Haha! It might've made our job easier. Taka's a BIT more level-headed than Lewa is." ___

_"It would have been MUCH easier." Kopaka put in. "It's just too bad we didn't get Takanuva first." ___

_"...you guys are being mean." Gali muttered, but no one paid her any mind and just kept going. ___

_"Don't get me wrong, he's funny, but he's so annoying!" Pohatu went on. "You know? He's a great guy, but there are times when I just wanna smack him!" ___

_"You don't know the half of it." Kopaka said, and I felt my heart sink even more. I had always known he didn't like me too much, but did he have to be so...mean about it? ___

_"Sometimes I wish he'd just die." ___

_I'd heard enough. I strode into the clearing, pasting my trademark grin onto my face. "Hey guys!" I said, smiling hard. They all stiffened, probably wondering if I'd heard them or not. Congrats guys, I heard you. Not that I'll ever let you know, of course... ___

_"I got all your favorites...and in only half an hour, too!" I kept on smiling, although by now inside I was screaming. Kopaka just gave me an annoyed look and said, "Huh. Took you long enough, airhead." ___

_I willed myself not to cry and merely handed the food around. They all took it without thanks and set to eating without a sound._

Did they really want me to die? Was I really that much of a burden? I hadn't been feeling good for weeks ever since that day, although I wrote that off as nothing. It was only natural for deep stress to make you sick, right? I read about it in one of my Turaga's psychology books.

Several times a day, I wonder what it would be like to be truly happy. I pretend I'm happy all the time. Maybe if I smiled long enough, it would work and I'd feel happy. I do it everyday, and it's never worked. Not once.

Don't get me wrong, I've been happy before. The day I realized what I really was, a Toa! And when we beat Makuta, fantastic! I always felt happy after winning a particularly hard battle. I thought becoming Nuva meant I'd get stronger and be able to win real recognition, but it didn't help at all. It just put me even deeper into all my teammate's shadows.

And then Takanuva showed up, and took away my place as the resident goofball. Ever since he showed up, they've ignored me even more than ever.

Why can't I just be happy, like Pohatu and Takanuva?

Why? Why me?

X x X

_"Tell me how you've never felt __  
__Delicate or innocent __  
__Do you still have doubts __  
__That us having faith makes any sense?" __  
__--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_


	2. Hate Is A Strong Word

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_"Tell me nothing ever counts  
Lashing out or breaking down  
Still somebody loses 'cause  
There's no way to turn around..."_

X x X

With the mirror's broken shards completely picked up and thrown into the trash, I set out for the day. I had a mission to complete, taking care of an infestation of Nui Jaga in Po-Metru with Takanuva, Pohatu, and Kopaka. I was pretty honored to have been chosen for such an important mission. But I'd probably just end up being mere backup. My powers weren't that great against Jagas.

My backpack was packed with the necessities; some fruits, extra weapons, and bandages just in case one of us was injured. I took an apple out of the pack and snacked on it as I went, once again pasting my smile on as my teammates came into view. They weren't THAT hard to see. Takanuva gave off such a bright glow that I'd have to be blind not to see it. And the white sheen of Kopaka's armor was also a dead giveaway.

"Hey guys!" I greeted cheerfully, coming up to them. Pohatu greeted me with a "Lewa! Nice to see ya!" as enthusiastic as my own greeting, and clanked fists with me. Takanuva gave me a smile, and Kopaka merely glanced my way before starting to brief us on the mission.

"Don't take chances. There's a big infestation of them out there, so hit them hard and fast. No heroics. I don't want anyone getting hurt." 

My smile began to feel a little more real. "Anyone" also meant me. My confidence lifted, I decided to make a suggestion. "Hey, Kopaka, wouldn't it be better if we were to split up into two groups and come around them in a pincer maneuver? That way, we could trap them!" I explained.

Kopaka gave me a dirty look and ground out, "NO!"

"It...might work..." Pohatu said, looking uncomfortable, but Kopaka cut him off. "Lewa, if we were to split up, both Takanuva and Pohatu would have to go with you to make sure you didn't screw up. And then I'd be alone. So no, we will NOT be splitting up."

I bristled, but then my ability to cope surfaced, and I smiled. "Oh, OK. Sorry. It really was a stupid idea." I coughed a bit, feeling the pain in my chest coming back, but paid it no mind. I had a mission to do, and I would do it at any cost.

There really WERE a lot of them, and I could see why Kopaka didn't want us using a pincer movement. There were so many that a pincer maneuver would be worthless.

We charged, weapons bristling, to drive the giant scorpions back. I sent a gust of wind at the front lines, sending them all flying. For once, I felt a giddy rush that the chest pains couldn't quench. Nothing could bring me down. Nothing.

Takanuva's light staff hit one smack in the face, and it reared, screeching angrily. Although my chest was now aching abominably - just WHAT was wrong with me?! - I charged, determined not to let him get hurt. I'd prefer if those bandages don't get used, you know.

The Nui Jaga slammed down just as I got there, its claw catching me in my side. I grunted in pain and slashed it across the face, making it let go of me and retreat. Although I was bleeding, I ignored it and continued to fight.

Takanuva yelled his thanks at me, and I smiled. But then I heard Kopaka yell out in pain. My head turned, and I gasped. He was under attack by at least three of them! Heart pounding, chest hurting even more, I charged just as the one in front of my fallen brother reared up. Its teeth sank into my shoulder, biting deep into me, but I ignored the pain and stabbed it right through the eye. A good couple wind blades (courtesy of a technique Turaga Matau recently taught me) took care of the other two.

Kopaka looked up at me as I held my hand down to pull him up. Finally... he'd recognize me as his brother.

But he merely snorted and got up on his own, running off and jumping up on to its back. His ice blade flashed down and hit it on the head, taking it out instantly.

I watched sorrowfully as my brothers - no, my COMRADES - took out the rest of the Nui Jagas with relative ease. I did nothing to help; my katanas lay limply at my sides.

My chest pains started again, worse than ever before, and I glanced down with a frown. What was WRONG with me?! Why did my chest keep hurting? I shouldn't be hurting unless I was bleeding. And it wasn't bleeding, but it really hurt, right over my heart. Every beat of my heart sent a fresh sharp wave of pain through the rest of me.

Finally, my comrades finished, and they came back to me. "Do you have bandages, Lewa?" Pohatu asked, supporting Takanuva by the shoulders. "We all got pretty banged up."

"Yeah." I dug through my backpack and dragged the mentioned items out into the open. I began to help him wrap up Takanuva when Kopaka said, his voice freezingly cold, "Why didn't you help us?"

I glanced up at him, not sure what to say. "Well..." I began, looking at the ground now, "Sorry, ice-brother." I tried to smile, but his glare made it fade. Not even my ability to smile no matter what I was feeling was working. It scared me, and I felt the ache in my chest double. I was starting to feel light-headed now. Under his disgusted gaze, I doubled over, retching painfully.

"Lewa!" Pohatu yelped, as I coughed. "Are you alright?!"

I quickly wiped the blood off of my mouth before any of them could notice it and gave him my best smile. "Yeah! Don't worry, I'm just a little sick, is all. Nothing to worry about, really."

"Are you sure?" He eyed me suspiciously, but obviously couldn't find anything wrong with me other than the wound on my shoulder, and I immediately began to bandage that. My fingers became coated in blood and a strange greenish substance that I dismissed as saliva from the Nui Jaga's jaws from when it had bitten me. Their saliva was poisonous, yes, but I already had the necessary work done on my body by the engineers in my Metru to counter most of the poisons to be found on this island. Toa work is dangerous, after all.

My body feeling slightly better with the bandage on, I stood up, and smiled at Pohatu and Takanuva, the latter of which smiled dazedly back, still only about halfway conscious.

"We need to head back." Kopaka said, and hoisted the Toa of Light up onto his back, then turned and headed out without another word. Pohatu nodded and he and I both followed. 

Every once in a while, Kopaka would glance back at me and glare. I could practically hear him thinking, _Useless._

I sighed and hitched my pack higher up onto my back. My chest was hurting really bad again.

That night, I curled up in my bed, and tried to ignore the pains in my chest. Ever since that fight a couple hours earlier, they hadn't gone away, no matter what I did. I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, something really WAS wrong with me, but then dismissed it.

This was just me being weak, as always. It was a mistake succumbing to it earlier. If I wanted them to think that I was strong, then I would have to act like it. Not show any hint of pain, like Tahu and Kopaka. It was my fault Takanuva got hurt against the Nui Jagas. If I'd just held in my stupid feelings, then I could've helped him. I had to get stronger.

I resolved to forget about pain until I did. This ache was nothing. I'd had worse, much worse, before. I could handle it.

Right?

X x X

_"Staring at your photograph  
Everything now in the past  
Never felt so lonely  
I wish that you could show me love."  
--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_


	3. How Could This Happen To Me?

**Disclaimer:** Neither me nor my beta / brother owns Bionicle, although we wish we did! Although if said beta doesn't stop misspelling things in his edits when HE'S supposed to be correcting MY mistakes, he's gonna get fired!

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

X x X

_"Show me love, show me love, show me love,  
Show me love, show me love   
Till you open the door  
Show me love, show me love, show me love,  
Show me love, show me love,  
Till I'm up off the floor..."_

X x X

After that day, I went on any mission I could get. It didn't matter what it was, I would do it all the same. One day, I mucked out the Ussal crab stables in Onu-Metru. The very next day, I fought off a pack of Kane-Ra for Turaga Vakama when they had him cornered and Tahu was off on another mission somewhere in Ga-Metru. I preferred to do these alone, but I wasn't above asking for help. What smart being is? With help, you can become stronger faster. And to get strong as soon as possible was my goal. As Pohatu was the only one who seemed to be able to truly put up with me, I usually asked for his help. He was a really understanding guy, and he was happy to help me.

The times we had together truly made me laugh, and I felt my smile becoming a bit more real every day. He never really referred to me by my name, instead calling me "brother" or "kid" all the time, unless he was mad at me. Although my chest pains increased daily, and the amount of blood I coughed up with each attack escalated, just being around someone who actually considered me a friend and a member of their family was enough to keep me content.

So when I woke up in a stark white room, I was confused. Where the heck was I? The last thing I remembered was my chest aching abominably, every beat of my heart hurting worse than the last, and slicing at a Tarakava with my katana.

"Brother? Are you alright?" I heard my friend ask, and I looked up from my bed. "Yeah...where am I?" I asked. "Weren't we in Ga-Metru fighting that Tarakava?"

Pohatu nodded, looking very grave. "Yeah. But you collapsed right after we beat it. We're in the Ga-Metru clinic right now. Turaga Nokama said she'd run some tests. She should be back any minute now."

We sat in silence, me contemplating what was going on. Were my chest pains really dangerous, as I had at first suspected? I still doubted it; I WAS pretty stressed out. It's a well-known fact that stress has weird effects on the body. I was sure I was fine.

Of course, I was wrong once again.

Turaga Nokama walked in, and Pohatu rose to greet her, me just nodding my head politely. The Water Turaga acknowledged my brother, then turned to me, eyes grave. "Toa Lewa..."

"Yes?" I asked, feeling nervous. "What's wrong with me, Turaga? Is it bad?"

She sighed. "Have you been feeling any...irrational pain lately, Toa Lewa? Like aches in weird places?"

"Yeah, I have." I replied. "My chest hurts all the time, and I cough up blood a lot. I thought it was just stress." A cold grip of fear settled on my heart. "Is it bad?" 

She didn't look at me. "I'm sorry, Toa. But..." 

"But...?" I went on. "Tell me, Turaga!"

Finally, she looked me in the eye. "I'm afraid you're very sick. It generally isn't a fatal disease, but the process has been sped up largely by some outside source. Do you know what it could be or what caused it?"

"N-no..." I stuttered, shocked, as Pohatu hung his head. Then, I remembered. I HAD been poisoned, hadn't I? But only slightly...

_Takanuva yelled his thanks at me, and I smiled. But then I heard Kopaka yell out in pain. My head turned, and I gasped. He was under attack by at least three of them! Heart pounding, chest hurting even more, I charged just as the one in front of my fallen brother reared up. Its teeth sank into my shoulder, biting deep into me, but I ignored the pain and stabbed it right through the eye. A good couple wind blades (courtesy of a technique Turaga Matau recently taught me) took care of the other two._

Kopaka looked up at me as I held my hand down to pull him up. Finally... he'd recognize me as his brother. 

But he merely snorted and got up on his own, running off and jumping up on to its back. His ice blade flashed down and hit it on the head, taking it out instantly.

I watched sorrowfully as my brothers - no, my COMRADES - took out the rest of the Nui Jagas with relative ease. I did nothing to help; my katanas lay limply at my sides.

My chest pains started again, worse than ever before, and I glanced down with a frown. What was WRONG with me?! Why did my chest keep hurting? I shouldn't be hurting unless I was bleeding. And it wasn't bleeding, but it really hurt, right over my heart. Every beat of my heart sent a fresh sharp wave of pain through the rest of me.

Finally, my comrades finished, and they came back to me. "Do you have bandages, Lewa?" Pohatu asked, supporting Takanuva by the shoulders. "We all got pretty banged up."

"Yeah." I dug through my backpack and dragged the mentioned items out into the open. I began to help him wrap up Takanuva when Kopaka said, his voice freezingly cold, "Why didn't you help us?"

I glanced up at him, not sure what to say. "Well..." I began, looking at the ground now, "Sorry, ice-brother." I tried to smile, but his glare made it fade. Not even my ability to smile no matter what I was feeling was working. It scared me, and I felt the ache in my chest double. I was starting to feel light-headed now. Under his disgusted gaze, I doubled over, retching painfully.

"Lewa!" Pohatu yelped, as I coughed. "Are you alright?!"

I quickly wiped the blood off of my mouth before any of them could notice it and gave him my best smile. "Yeah! Don't worry, I'm just a little sick, is all. Nothing to worry about, really."

"Are you sure?" He eyed me suspiciously, but obviously couldn't find anything wrong with me other than the wound on my side, and I immediately began to bandage that. My fingers became coated in blood and a strange greenish substance that I dismissed as saliva from the Nui Jaga's jaws from when it had bitten me. Their saliva was poisonous, yes, but I already had the necessary work done on my body by the engineers in my Metru to counter most of the poisons to be found on this island. Toa work is dangerous, after all. 

"I-I remember now..." I said, shocked. "Th-that fight with the Nui Jaga, when I saved Kopaka...it bit me on the shoulder, and their saliva's poisonous. But I'm immune to most poisons, Turaga! It shouldn't be affecting me like this!"

"I'm sorry." She hung her head. "But your disease must have somehow knocked out that immunity...with both the poison and the disease...the effect's been sped up immensely."

Pohatu gave a gasp of shock. "But...but surely he can be saved!" he cried, waving his arms agitatedly. "We've got you AND Gali, and you both know a lot of healing techniques! Surely with your combined efforts, you can at least help him a little bit!"

The Turaga bit her lip. "This is beyond even my or Toa Gali's arts." she said quietly. "It's too far spread out in his body. This infection is way worse than Toa Tahu's was during the Rahkshi fight." She looked at me, but I was looking at the ground. "I'm so sorry, Toa Lewa..."

"I see...so, how long do I have?" I asked. Although it wasn't really a question.

"A few weeks...maybe more..." she answered, obviously shocked by my bluntness. "It's hard to tell...the spread is fast, but the total speed is indefinite..."

I smiled and got out of the bed, my chest still aching. "Well, I better make the best out of my remaining time, eh?" I was faking that smile, just like nearly every other one I've ever given, and they knew it. Inside, I was screaming. Why me? What had I done to deserve this? Not only did I have a disease, but it had knocked out my poison immunity and I had just so happened to get bitten by a poisonous animal.

Typical of my life. I knew something was wrong when I broke that mirror. I just knew it.

"Oh, and one more thing..." I said, at the door. Both Pohatu and the Turaga looked at me, questioning. "Don't tell anyone about this...especially not the other Toa. They don't need to know about this."

"Yes, they do!" Pohatu said angrily, standing up to face me. "As much as you would like to believe otherwise, Lewa, we're your brothers and sister, and we DO care about you, you know!"

"Oh really?" I shouted back, losing my control for a minute. My smile was gone now, replaced by my true emotions - anger, betrayal, fear, sorrow. "Is that why I heard you guys talking about how it would be so nice if Takanuva were in the group before me? Huh? Care to explain that one to me, Pohatu?!" 

A spasm of pain and shock crossed his face. "You heard that?" he whispered, looking at me, orange eyes wide. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I heard every stinking word! About how he's so much better than me, and how you all wish I'd just DIE!" I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to get this out. What they'd done to me, how I felt...I just wanted someone to care. Pohatu was the only one who'd ever really showed me respect, now that I think about it, so it was fitting that he should be the one to know literally everything. My condition, my feelings, my everything. 

He shook his head furiously, eyes squeezed shut tight. "No, Lewa, no! That was just joking, don't worry about it!" he cried, trying to placate me. "We didn't mean it, Lewa...seriously, we didn't."

By then, I had calmed a bit, but I was still angry. And my temper flared again when he said the next words. "They should know, brother...they deserve to know about what's happened to you!"

"No they don't!" I roared, punching the wall. Turaga Nokama gasped, but otherwise didn't intervene. I think she knew better than to come between two arguing Toa. "They've NEVER treated me kindly, not freaking ONCE! You're the only one who's ever shown me any respect, and that's why you're not going to tell them! I'll kill you if you do!"

Pohatu's face took on a pained look. "Do you really mean that?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, trembling. Then I coughed, unable to stay upright, and more blood than ever before spattered onto the floor. I held my chest as I coughed, trying to quiet the fiery pain in it. I could feel my heart beating at an erratically fast pace.

"Lewa!" Pohatu knelt beside me and helped me back to the bed. "You should stay here for awhile, brother..." I looked up at him, shocked that he didn't seem to care that I'd just threatened to kill him. Heck, I'd just screamed that I would end his life if he disobeyed me right after telling him off, and he was still trying to help me. Turaga Nokama filled a cup with some water, and held it to my lips, wiping the remnants of my latest attack off of my face as she did so. 

"We can make something up, can't we?" my brother went on to her, asking for her help. She nodded. "Yes. Until he...well, goes, we can easily keep up a pretense of simple sickness. This disease, rare though it is, is not unheard of, and it's unusual for it be fatal. Even if it's found out that he's sick, they won't know the extent."

I was silent. They were both...for my sake...

The two most truthful beings on the planet were going to lie to an entire island, just for the sake of my happiness. Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Pohatu..." I whispered, before breaking into the tears I'd always wanted to shed. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me while I cried and cried and cried, and I thought vaguely that this must be what it was like to have a real brother. My gratitude towards him rose a hundredfold. Just for me, he was going against everything he's ever stood for. I couldn't express my feelings about this.

He stayed with me all night, and when I woke up the next morning from crying myself to sleep, he was still there, on his chair at the foot of my bed. A book was spread across his lap, and he was drooling slightly. I smiled, a real one for once, and got up, preparing to go out and get some exercise. Sick and dying or not, I had an image to keep up.

This was just part of the pretense of me being totally fine. Nothing else. I enjoyed my daily morning workout a bit more than usual, probably because it was such a nice day out. By the time I was done, a crowd of Ga-Matoran were gathered about twenty feet away from me, watching me admiringly.

"Wow, Toa Lewa!" one chirped brightly. "Not even Toa Gali's that energetic in the morning!"

I gave them a smile, though I was unsure of whether or not it was real. Didn't matter. Not like they knew the difference, anyway. "Indeed," I replied, "I guess it's in my blood!" I froze. My blood...the disease, Turaga Nokama had explained, caused my body to forget how blood was supposed to be circulated. As such, it just went everywhere, into places where it shouldn't have been. There were a total of four stages. I was in late stage three, by her reckoning. I'd know when I was in stage four when blood literally poured from my mouth nonstop. I sincerely hoped it killed me before that. I had no desire to be a walking, talking fountain of my own body fluids. It was hard keeping up a pretense of health already; if stage four rolled around, there was no way I would be able to.

With the introduction of the poison, the effect was sped up. Poison causes these things in your body to close up so that the blood or whatever can't get to them. I don't remember exactly what they're called, though. But either way, it just made it a lot worse. Now my body was having an even harder time trying to circulate the blood. No wonder my chest hurt so much. My heart was pumping stuff to all the wrong places. It was only natural. 

Turaga Nokama walked out just then, and shooed them all away. "Alright, jobs won't get done by themselves you know! There's fish to sell, classes to be taught, stuff to make! Hop to it!" 

They all scurried off, yelling goodbye to us. She sighed and turned to me. "How are you feeling this morning, Toa Lewa? Do you want any medicine or something?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. So, is there anything I can help you with this morning, Turaga?" Then I remembered. "Crud, Turaga! I have to get home and tell Turaga Matau where I've been!"

"Already been done." Turaga Nokama laughed. "I sent him a Gukko last night to tell him you'd be on a mission here for a while, and he sent it back, saying that it was fine as long as you stayed out of trouble." 

I scowled, but in reality, I was very fond of my eccentric Turaga. He was another person who really cared about me. If Pohatu was my brother, then Turaga Matau was definitely my father. He gave me advice all the time, whether I needed it or not, and made me laugh with his antics. He was the one person who I gave my true smiles to. He definitely deserved it. Since I arrived on Mata Nui all that time ago, he's been nothing but totally awesome to me.

"So, how about I wake Toa Pohatu up, and you two head on out to Toa Kopaka's party thing?" she suggested. "Nuju's making him throw a party to celebrate the Toa's four year anniversary of being our heroes. Well? Do you want to go now or later?"

I smiled sadly, turning away from her.

"I wasn't invited."

X x X

_"Show me love, show me love show me love,  
Show me love, show me love,   
Till it's inside my pores  
Show me love, show me love, show me love,  
Show me love, show me love,  
Till I'm screaming for more."  
--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_


	4. Whisper

**Disclaimer:** Saya, Raikage though she may be, does not own Bionicle. Neither does her beta / brother Zanda, Kazekage though HE may be.

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_"Random acts of mindlessness  
Commonplace occurrences  
Chances and surprises  
Another state of consciousness..."_

X x X

In Po-Metru, there are a whole bunch of grave sites, since there's so much empty space out there. Every once in a while, I go out there, just to thank all the Matoran who died making this city what it is. We Toa Nuva don't know where we came from; we just...arrived. Randomly. Takanuva, back when he was Takua, summoned us by uniting the six Toa stones at the temple of Kini Nui, but other than that...our past is a mystery.

I'd LIKE to know where I'm from. Who I was, what I was like, all those are things I do anything to know. I guess I'd know soon enough, but I still wanted to know desperately.

That's why I visited the graves so much. I had no graves, no family, to visit, so I contented myself with the graves of the random Le-Matoran who had died. I knew I looked like crud. My armor had scratches on it, and my coloring was a bit paler than usual, but I didn't concern myself with my looks. Not anymore. Seriously, what would the point be? To look good at my funeral? Ha. That was stupid and worthless. The only reason I would want to look good was in honor of the graves I was visiting.

All these poor Matoran...dead and gone because their heroes couldn't protect them. Not for the first time, I felt a surge of pity for Toa Lhikan. How it must have killed him whenever he couldn't save someone. I know it would just tear me apart if that were to happen to me. I remember, once I crashed into a Matoran when I had just learned to fly. He fell off the edge of the tree he was standing on. Even though it was an accident and he forgave me, I still felt horrible. And he was alright in the end, I caught him. If he had been injured or killed...

I felt rather than heard him approach, and only nodded when he greeted me. OK, maybe I saw him, too. It's hard not to see the Toa of Light. He glows and stuff. "Lewa...what are you doing here?" Takanuva asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Just visiting." I replied stiffly. Even though it wasn't his fault, he was still the one who had taken away my friends' affection for me. Could I be blamed for holding a small grudge?

"Ah." He smiled at me. Then, he sighed. "Lewa...I heard what Turaga Nokama said to you earlier..."

I stiffened up. "You...did?" I asked weakly. This wasn't good. They weren't supposed to know! Who else knew?! I suppressed the urge to grab him by the neck and shake him while interrogating him. My secrecy skills must hav been terrible.

"Yeah. I came to visit you, and...well, I think the whole hospital heard you, you were yelling so loud." He chuckled a bit, then looked sad. "You know, if it hadn't been for me, they probably WOULD pay more attention to you. I'm really sorry. I didn't think that when I became a Toa that something like this would happen."

In spite of myself, I smiled. "Don't worry, Taka. It's not your fault they forgot about me. It's theirs, and mine for not doing anything about it."

"Lewa," he said quietly, "you're not alone, you know that, right?"

My head came up from studying the graves again. "What?"

"I...don't exactly know where I'm from." he confessed. "A Ta-Matoran with a blue mask? The Toa of Light? It's obvious I'm not who I thought I was...who am I really? People, my own VILLAGERS, used to make fun of me for it. They said I should go live in Ga-Koro with the rest of the blue-masked people. Kinda the way our teammates make fun of you for being the way you are. And...for how much we've both lost...Jaller died, you know? But he was brought back...but you're gonna die for real..." He shook his head. "I'm...so sorry..." 

I reached out and touched his shoulder. Whatever I had wanted to do, it wasn't t make him feel bad. Not THIS bad, at least. That was just plain cruel. "And you're not alone either, Taka. Turaga Onewa...he's just like us."

"What?" he asked, looking confused. "He is?"

"Yeah." I replied. "He lost everything, too. Turaga Matau told me about the two girls he used to love...Krahka, and Toa Natay."

"Krahka?" Takanuva repeated. "But she was that shape-shifter that..."

"That got shoved into the time warp with the Zivon." I nodded. "He loved her, but when she left, he was alone again. And then in another war they got into, he fell in love with a Toa Hordika named Natay. But she died to protect him...it's her monument that he comes to see every day. I see him out here a lot when I'm patrolling the skies...just visiting his past. He always brings orange flowers for her..."

"I'm sorry..." he murmured. "I didn't know...he's just like us..."

"Yeah...yeah he is..." 

_"Turaga...thanks, but I don't need any advice for this one." I said, my Miru concealing the exhaustion in my face. I could see the Turaga hesitate. "It's only an escort mission. Don't worry. I'm not stupid, you know."_

"I'm sorry, but Turaga Dume gave me strict orders to watch over you." he explained, doubt clearly visible in his blue eyes.

I forced a bark of laughter. "Since when were YOU one to follow orders, Turaga? Besides, I'm Toa Lewa. This mission'll be a piece of cake!" I was only met with his silence. I sighed. "...don't worry, I'll tell Turaga Dume that it was my decision. I promise I'll take all the blame. That alright?"

I felt his eyes examine me, scanning my whole body. I stood rigid. Did he know? Did he know that my previous wounds hadn't healed yet? I waited in nervous anticipation for his words. "Toa Lewa...why do you work so hard? You've already gone on 10 missions in this past week alone."

I smiled, almost for real. "Turaga, I live in hope of becoming a memory, a memory that people can be proud of." I stated, giving him my reply. "That's what Toa Lhikan did, isn't it?" I saw a flicker of sadness pass through his eyes. I admit, that last comment was a jibe. I just wanted to be left alone. Couldn't he see that?

I gave him a bow and turned to walk away to meet the person I had to escort. 

"Smile, Toa Lewa."

"Aaaah...what? I AM smiling, Turaga." I said, confused but still walking towards my destination, not stopping to look back at him. "See?" I turned around for a brief second, a smile on my face.

"No, you're not," he whispered but loud enough for me to hear. I stopped in my tracks to look back at him, now very confused. What did he mean by that? I wanted to ask but he had already walked off and his back was all I could see. 

Takanuva sighed again and smiled at me tiredly. "You know, Lewa, I'd go to Kopaka's party even if I weren't invited." 

This was the second time he'd shocked me. "You know about that too?"

"I heard you talking to Turaga Nokama about that, too." he said sheepishly. "I was hoping to talk to you. You move fast, did you know? It took me an hour to catch up with you. But seriously, Lewa...we don't hate you." He smiled and put a hand on my shoulder. "Do you want to go? I'll walk you there, to make sure you're OK..."

"It's fine." I shook my head, smiling. "I'll probably be along in a while."

"Just make sure you come, alright?" he asked, and I nodded. Then, "You know, Lewa..."

"What now?" Why wouldn't he just go? Couldn't he see that I just wanted to be alone? _And Tahu calls ME a pest..._

"...I just wanted to say that that smile's much nicer than your fake one. You should do it more often."

I was silent.

He left me then, and I sighed, tracing one finger into the letters on the headstone in front of me. "Orkahm..." I murmured. I knew that name. He was the one who was supposed to be the Toa of Air instead of Turaga Matau. He had also formed the Matoran Nui with Nuhrii, Ahkmou, Vhisola, Tehutti, and Ehrye, and helped save the Toa Metru from being trapped in the Morbuzakh's cavern.

_Quiet and careful, but died brave._ I read. _Giving up his life to save that of a friend. Thank you._

I felt a sudden pang as it began to rain. My chest was hurting again, worse and worse as time ticked by. My mind was starting to cloud; I couldn't think properly.

"Nnn...why is it crying?" I muttered, unable to see much because of the raindrops in my eyes. "For me? You're crying for me?"

I reached out to touch the raindrops, but couldn't feel anything. My hand felt numb. Maybe it was because of the cold weather. Instead, I watched the drops of water fall onto my open palm.

I choked suddenly, and blood began to pour from my mouth in a steady stream. Oh no...was I...? Was I in stage four already?! Turaga Nokama said it should be about a week! By then, I had fully intended to be gone.

I couldn't breathe. It simply hurt too much, and I leaned against the headstone belonging to Orkahm, my eyes going hazier by the second. 

_I see...you're crying for me..._ I thought as I faded into vivid darkness.

The rain fell harder than ever before.

_Don't cry..._

X x X

_"Tell me nothing ever counts  
Lashing out or breaking down  
Still somebody loses 'cause  
There's no way to turn around."   
--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_


	5. Absent Elements

**Disclaimer:** The Raikage and Kazekage do not own Bionicle. They're currently organizing their elite ninja armies to win it, though. Until then...LEGO owns it. Boo-frickity-hoo.

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_"Tell me how you've never felt  
Delicate or innocent  
Do you still have doubts that  
Us having faith makes any sense?"_

X x X

_What are YOU doing here?!_

"Uhn...?" I asked groggily. Where was I? Hadn't I just been in the Po-Metru graveyard, visiting the graves, and reading Orkahm's headstone? Who was that voice?

_GET OUT!_

"Why...?" was my reply. It was warm and comfortable, wherever and whatever it was. And dark. Very dark. In fact, I felt wonderful for the first time ever. Why would I want to leave this place?

All at once, a bright green light blinded me, and I shielded my eyes with a yelp. When the glow died down, in front of me stood a green Toa of Air wearing a Mask of Stealth. His red eyes glared at me angrily, and his right index finger pointed accusingly. 

_You don't belong here!_ he snapped. _So get out!_

"I...dun wanna..." I mumbled, preparing to close my eyes and go to sleep. What was up with people bothering me when I didn't want to be bothered lately? First Onewa, then Pohatu, then Takanuva, and now this...thing. Whoever or whatever he was. "Who are you?" 

_I am Nidhiki._ he answered. _Toa Mahi of Air. You, Lewa Nuva, do not belong here. So leave._

He was calming down somewhat. Good. Maybe I could convince him to let me stay...

"Where is this...?" I asked, casting a groggy look around at my surroundings. I was still very disoriented. What was wrong with me? Was this a dream?

_The living have no place in Heaven._ Nidhiki growled, and then stepped forward and gave me a shove. To my shock and terror, I plummeted suddenly, shooting down through the darkness. Nidhiki's glowing green form I could still see, shouting down at me, _He's given you another chance! Be grateful, Toa-child!_

"Why?!" I called back, unable to understand. WHO had given me another chance?! Another chance at WHAT?!

His answer shocked me to no end.

_To set your life right!_

I hit with a hard thunk, temporarily stunned. What I had hit, though, I didn't know. All I know is that, suddenly, I felt a whole lot more aware of myself. It wasn't so hard to think anymore. As I tried to regain my bearings, another voice, quite different from Nidhiki's harsh, ringing one, echoed comfortingly through my aching head. It was deep, patient, kind, and...oddly familiar to me.

_Toa Lewa..._

Toa Lewa.

Wake up.

Heaven can wait. 

Your life is not quite over yet... 

"Lewa? Lewa? Turaga, is he OK?"

"Hush, Takanuva. He's still breathing, see?"

"Nnnnn..." I mumbled, eyes flickering open. I regretted it instantly as the light from my teammate's mask hit me head on. "Turn off, Taka..." 

"Oh! Sorry." he said sheepishly, and the light diminished somewhat. My eyes stopped burning. I sat up, somewhat surprised to find myself in the Ga-Metru clinic once again. In the very same room, no less. "What am I doing here?"

"Resting, that's what." Turaga Nokama said brusquely, forcing a glass of water on me, which I drank gratefully. "Mata Nui, Lewa...why didn't you tell me you were still hurting so bad? I could've done something...painkillers... something, anything!" She clenched her fist, gritting her teeth at the ground.

I looked her in the eye, begging her to understand. "There are still things to take care of, Turaga."

"No...not now." she said, making me drink the rest of the water. "Not now, Toa Lewa...just rest..." 

"Turaga, what does this mean?" I turned my head to look at Tahu, who was standing some four feet away, hands spread wide out and flexing them like he always does when he's nervous or agitated. "Isn't he OK?"

The window of my hospital room was dirty.

"I..."

Very dirty, as if it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

"Well? Is he or is he not?" Tahu demanded, taking a step forward. I could feel the heat rising from his body. He still had to work on temperature control.

That window needed a good wash.

"Well...I..." The Water Turaga stopped speaking, looking unsure. She cast a nervous glance at me. I understood. Her gaze said, _They need to know._

My gaze, however, said, _No, they don't._

She bowed her head, as Pohatu sat on the edge of my bed, taking the cup from my hands and crushing it. Shards of glass littered the floor, but he didn't seem to care. No one did. All six of my comrades stared at me and the Turaga expectantly. I decided, perhaps they could know a LITTLE...

"I'm just sick, is all." I shrugged, making it sound like nothing. "And I've just overworked myself, is all. Nothing to worry about, brothers and sister. I'm fine, really."

"No, you're not." Gali said quietly, her eyes sad. "No you're not, Lewa...don't lie to us...please..."

"I'm FINE." I insisted. What did she know? Had she seen me collapse or something? No, I reasoned, she was probably at the Ice King's party thing that I wasn't invited to. "Seriously, Gali, I am. Nothing's wrong with me."

"No." she shook her head. "Your blood flow...it's all weird..." 

"The sickness I have deals with my blood flow." I informed her tartly, trying to make myself sound professional when all I really knew was the basics. I should've expected this. She was the Toa of Water, after all. She would be able to interpret the flow of liquids in my body, and in everybody else's. For some reason, I was both happy and upset that she had that ability.

I guess I really DID want them to know. It would be a way to get them to notice me for once, and they wouldn't take me for granted anymore. By the looks on their faces, just the simple matter that I had collapsed from supposed exhaustion of too many missions had changed their opinion - somewhat - about me.

"Lewa," Tahu said slowly.

"Yes?" I responded cheerfully. He wasn't gonna know either! Too many people already did.

"If you die..." he went on, clenching his fists, more heat radiating off of his body than ever, "I will personally see to it that you're cremated and not buried like you wanted. Heck, I'll even burn you with that geology book you hate so much!"

I shuddered. He meant it too. And...how'd he know about that stupid geology book?! That thing was my worst nightmare. OK, maybe not worst, but it was definitely up there with the bad ones. Although he'd probably torch my whole hut just out of anger. If there was one thing I'd learned over the past few years, it was _don't mess with Toa Tahu._

I smiled at him, making it look as real as possible. And who knows, maybe it was real. By then, I couldn't tell.

"Thanks, Tahu."

X x X

"Kopaka, where are you going?" Pohatu asked quietly. The rest of our team turned from their seats around my bed to look at the Toa of Ice, who was about to walk out the door.

"He's safe. There's nothing to worry about." Kopaka said in that cold, icy voice of his. The room seemed a little bit colder all of a sudden. I saw Tahu frown, obviously itching to start a fight, but a sharp look from Gali had him slumping back down into his seat.

"At least stay a bit longer...you know, talk to him!" Pohatu said, clearly agitated. Turaga Nokama stayed silent by the medicine cabinet, staring at the floor. None of our teammates said anything either.

"I'm busy." With that, I felt my heart sink again. Did he not care that I was so sick? Granted, I had done all I could to make it sound as if I wasn't, but still! Stupid or not, I was part of his team! Then my ability to just shrug and cope kicked in, and I did just that. I was through letting him hurt me.

"He's your brother!" Pohatu cried, jumping up and striding over to him. "He's your brother, Kopaka, your little brother! The LEAST you could do is stay with him!"

"No." Kopaka shrugged off the hand Pohatu had grasped his arm with, but the Stone Toa's grip tightened. "You moron!" he shouted, giving him a swift kick to the stomach, which immobilized him for a minute. "He saved your life, and all you can say is that you're BUSY?!" 

"..." Kopaka glared, giving me a slightly confused glance. "I don't recall any such event."

Pohatu gaped at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish's before his voice came back. "Nui-Jaga," he spat, hand tightening on Kopaka's arm a little more every second. Kopaka twitched, but had obviously decided it was beneath him to get away. I simply watched on. 

"Pohatu..."

"No, Lewa!" he snapped at me, and I shrunk back into my bed, subdued. "Let me say this to this...Kavinika-hearted Toa."

He took a deep breath, calming himself. "He saved your life, Kopaka...he saved it. Remember that time you, me, him, and Taka had to fight that Nui-Jaga swarm? And he jumped in the way of the one that was coming at you? It bit him on the shoulder. Poisoning him!"

An almost mute gasp rose from our team. They all turned to look at me, but I averted my gaze to the floor.

"That poison, which he should have been immune to, went straight to the sickness he was talking about." Pohatu went on. "It sped up the sickness...accelerating it until it was all even Turaga Nokama could do to keep him alive!"

"Shut up!" I shouted, but it was too late.

"You said you were OK!" Gali shouted, knocking over her chair as she jumped up and pointing at me angrily. "You PROMISED us you were OK!"

"He's dying because he saved YOUR life!" Pohatu shouted, completely ignoring her, still set on putting Kopaka in his place. "And you can't even have the decency to STAY with him for a couple hours?!" 

Kopaka's blue eyes flickered towards me for a second, then back to Pohatu.

Without another word, he wrenched his arm away, and left the room.

Tahu got up and followed after him, steam shooting out of his mouth. Gali in turn followed him, grabbing onto his arm, but he merely dragged her along. I could hear him shouting Kopaka's name, challenging him to another fight to the death. And then Gali's angry voice started up, screaming at Tahu to shut up and at Kopaka to get back here.

I sighed and looked out the dirty window again. By now, all that was left in the room was Onua, Takanuva, and Pohatu, and Turaga Nokama of course.

What did I care that my older brother had just walked out on me? I didn't. My heart was steel when it came to him. I didn't care anymore. And I began to long for the contented peace I had felt before Nidhiki had quite literally shoved me out and made me return to reality.

"I got kicked out of Heaven." I said quietly.

Onua looked at me and spoke for the first time. "What?"

"I got kicked out of Heaven." I repeated sheepishly. "By Nidhiki. He said Heaven had no place for me just yet."

"It's a good thing he did that then." Pohatu said lightly, patting me on the head, although he still looked mad and was breathing hard. "Guess he had a little good in him after all."

"Indeed." Onua agreed quietly.

They sat with me for I don't know how long, the three of them. I guess you could say I felt grateful. They really did acknowledge me. Funny how it took the news of my upcoming death to make it happen.

At least they cared. That's all I cared about. That they held enough brotherly love for me to care about the fact that I was dying.

"The window's all murky..." I muttered, attracting their attention again. "Just like my life." 

Takanuva frowned and got up. Going over to the sink, he wet his hand and walked back over to the window. He wiped it then, inside and out, and grinned at me.

"Not anymore," he said, still grinning. "Does that mean your life's brighter now, Lewa?" 

Pohatu and Onua both laughed. In spite of myself, I felt my face splitting into a smile.

"See?!" Takanuva cried, laughing as well. "That smile's MUCH better than your fake one!" 

"It is." Onua smiled. "Funny, I never knew you didn't really smile until I saw the real one. Huh."

"Neither did I." Pohatu nodded. "At least we finally saw it, eh?"

They really DID care about me...how could I have been so blind as not to see it? Tahu and Gali cared as well; he was chasing after Kopaka to try and beat him up like he always did, and she was chasing after HIM in turn to keep them from killing each other.

Each one of them showed their care in their own ways...even Kopaka, just by coming to see me when I was injured. Even though he obviously only did it because it was his duty, the fact that he had even bothered was enough for me.

I felt tears well up into my eyes, and suddenly, I screamed and buried my head in my arms. My three teammates - no, my brothers - gathered around me again, each one comforting in their own way.

Finally, I didn't feel so empty anymore.

My five brothers, Tahu, Pohatu, Onua, Kopaka, and Takanuva.

My sister, Gali.

And my father, Matau. 

All of them, and more, cared about me. It was enough.

So when the heart monitor started beeping dangerously, I didn't notice. Nor did I care when my chest pains started up again, worse than they had ever been over the past however long I'd been having them. I didn't give a darn when blood started pouring from my mouth in a river, or when my brothers all began to shout, calling for help. 

All I cared about was that I was loved.

I couldn't keep my eyes open. They were just too heavy. Maybe it was the blood loss, maybe it was my sudden happiness, maybe it was how exhausted I still was.

_Wow...stage four already..._

Once again, I could see the bright green light and a pair of red eyes that seemed to say, _You're back._

Indeed I was.

_Nidhiki...can I come to Heaven now?_

X x X

_"You play games, I play tricks  
Girls and girls, but you're the one   
Like a game of pick-up sticks  
Played by fucking lunatics."   
--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_


	6. What Have You Done?

**Disclaimer:** Saya Moonshadow and Zanda Waffle 07 do not own _Bionicle_. LEGO does. We wish we did, but we don't. If it DID belong to us, Hakkan would have died a horrible, painful death because he's nothing but a big, stupid coward. That's all.

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window**

**By: Saya Moonshadow**

**Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

"_Show me love, show me love, show me love,_

_Show me love, show me love_

_Till you open the door_

_Show me love, show me love, show me love,_

_Show me love, show me love_

_Till I'm up off the floor..."_

X x X

"KOPAKA NUVA, GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE _RIGHT_ NOW!"

I turned around to face him, fixing my usually impassive face into a scowl. This scowl I reserved just for him; he was the only one who could annoy me this much. Besides Lewa. Lewa just annoyed me no matter what he did. I wasn't sure why, but he just did. That's all I knew, and all I wanted to know.

"What, Tahu?" I snapped, allowing him to catch up to me. He was practically shooting steam out of his mouth. Gali was hanging onto his left arm, trying to hold him back. All she managed to do, really, was make grooves in the ground where her feet had dug in. When Tahu was mad, he didn't need a Pakari to be strong.

Emotions were weird that way; they did things to the body, made it different. I knew for a fact that when I'm scared, adrenaline pumps through my veins, giving me extra strength and speed. And Tahu nearly always let his emotions get away with him. It was part of the reason I've never liked him all that much.

He stormed right up to me, and poked me hard in the chest. I winced; wow, it actually hurt. And then he started yelling, and I wondered why Mata Nui didn't make earlids as well as eyelids so that people could block out bad sounds as well as images.

"You," he hissed, his finger actually bruising me, "get your butt back there RIGHT now, or so help me, I will melt you into nothing but tiny little atoms that will immediately disperse into the air. And I mean NOW."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?" I asked. "You honestly think he's going to die, Tahu? He's Lewa. Lewa would bounce back even if someone managed to kill him. There's no reason to get upset about anything. It's just a pointless waste of emotion and energy."

And I swear steam flew out of his mouth. "You - you - you -" he stuttered, too angry to speak properly.

Gali sighed and tugged on his arm, giving me a sad look. "As much as I hate to say this, Kopaka, Tahu's right. What you did back there was cruel and heartless. Don't you see?" she asked, "He cares about you so much. You're his big brother, he'd do anything to prove himself to you. And the way you don't even care that he threw away his life to protect you? That just killed him, Kopaka...absolutely KILLED him."

I shrugged. "That's his problem for being so emotional." I replied. "It's not my fault he did what he did."

"So if he really were to just suddenly die, you wouldn't care?" she asked softly. Tahu froze and stared at me, pinkish eyes narrowed.

I didn't know what to say. Of course if he died, I would be sad; he was teammate. But it wouldn't particularly hurt me. Matoran died all the time; after being unable to save so many of them, my heart simply hardened to things like that. People lived, people died. It was the way of the universe.

"I would care, of course." I said slowly, taking my time to think. "But I'd get over it. Do you honestly think he'd want you to grieve overlong about him, Gali? I'm grateful he saved my life; if it had been ME that had gotten bit by that Nui Jaga, I would already be gone. I haven't had the same engineering he's had. But the choice was his. Nothing I or anyone else can do about it."

"I can save him." she spat. "I can, and when we get back there, I will."

I snorted. "It's beyond you to be able to heal that." I told her flatly. "I saw his blood flow too, Gali - it's too messed up to be fixed. You know it."

"If I had enough energy, I could." she said, crossing her arms angrily. "Have faith in us, Kopaka - we're not the dumb animals you take us to be! We're your family, and Mata Nui help me, I am NOT just going to let you treat our brother like a discarded toy. He's in there hurting, Kopaka. And it's because of what YOU said."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Fine, I'll go apologize. Just shut up already."

Gali glared at me, then turned on her heel and marched back to the clinic, dragging a once again struggling to get at me Tahu by the arm. His eyes flashed dangerously; obviously he was letting me that this wasn't over yet.

I sighed and followed them. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner I could leave and get on with my life. The clinic was only about half a mile away; I hadn't gotten far before my teammates caught up with me. In truth, I DID feel a little bit bad - I knew he cared about me, looked up to me. But it WAS his fault. I didn't ask him to throw away his life.

Not my fault...

When we got back to the hospital, however, Ga-Matoran were rushing everywhere, screaming orders to each other. One with a different air than the others', a more leaderly air, shouted, "GET THE PUMPS! SAVE HIM, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! TOA LEWA MUSTN'T DIE!"

My heart stopped. Gali grabbed my hand as well and dragged both Tahu and I upstairs to Lewa's room. We fought our way (or rather, she did) into the room past the crowd of Matoran all clamoring to get in and help, and stopped.

I felt something inside of me break at the sight before me. Literally pouring from my brother's mouth was a river of his own body fluids, and he wasn't moving. His once bright green coloring was very dusty, as though it had been washed out. Pohatu, Onua, and Takanuva were gathered around him, all shouting for him to wake up.

"LEWA!" Tahu cried, and ran through the crowd, knocking several of them over, to get to his bedside. I merely stood stock-still, unable to move.

No...not just when I was coming to apologize...

His heart monitor wasn't moving; just a long straight green line.

I made my way over and took his wrist, trying to check his pulse. Nothing. And when I laid my head on his chest with complete disregard to the mess coming from his mouth, I heard nothing. And then I saw it.

His heartlight was out.

The green glow that was always so strong, even this morning when I'd seen him, was gone. Completely dimmed, just black.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gali form a ball of some kind of healing energy between her fingers, and send it over his form. It did nothing. Not even when she did it three more times, finally almost collapsing from exhausting her energy did it work.

My little brother really was...

_...dead._

Outside, a clap of thunder sounded, and rain began to pour down from the skies in a heavier torrent than I'd ever seen before. The window right above his head, which I had noticed earlier to have been dirty, was now slightly cleaner. It looked to have been wiped quickly by someone's hand. Seeing Takanuva's dirty left hand, I knew who had done it.

Someone like Lewa would want a clean window that he could see out of.

Not a dirty one.

Somehow, that was all I could think of, and what I had done to him. I had made his life just like that dirty window. By hurting him so much and so many times, I dirtied his heart, until he couldn't see out of it.

Then, by some miracle, the heart monitor started again, slowly, and he opened his eyes. I felt my own eyes brim with tears as I stood over him, his hand in mine.

Lewa smiled at me, then coughed again. This time, I could clearly tell he was so sick; it was just so obvious.

"Kopaka...brother..." he murmured.

"L-Lewa!" Pohatu yelped, seizing his other hand and squeezing it. "You're alright!"

To all of our shock and terror, he shook his head. "No...he's gonna let me in this time, Pohatu...but I have to..."

"To what?" Pohatu cried, tears pouring from his eyes. "What do you have to do?!"

Lewa closed his eyes for a minute, then opened them again. They were glazed over with pain, but I had no doubt that he saw me. Me, his older brother.

Me, the one who failed him all these years.

"...just wanted to say sorry I'm so weak." he whispered, then his eyes flickered closed again. His hand in mine twitched, then went limp.

That was aimed at me. I didn't move as everyone else in the room went absolutely crazy. Just complete and total shock...

"_Lookie, brother, I caught it!" Lewa was calling to me, hanging upside down from a tree with a baby Gukko bird in his hands. "It fell outta the nest, and I CAUGHT IT!"_

_I rolled my eyes, but applauded lightly. "Very nice. Put it back though, or its mother will attack you."_

"_Yeah, that'd probably be a good idea, huh?" he laughed nervously, then set the baby Gukko back in its nest. It chirped at him, and snuggled down, seeming to fall asleep._

_Lewa laughed and hopped down in front of me. "Help me train!" he commanded, taking my arm and dragging me off..._

"_...Then again, there's nothing like a little togetherness..." he said, laughing as the earth shook and the Mangai spewed lava. Onua turned to him..._

"_...it got me." he said quietly. "I wasn't paying attention, and they just - held me down and slapped it on me...and I heard things, they wanted me to kill my own villagers...and I wanted to do it..."_

"_...sorry I'm so weak..."_

It was him that lifted us up in the air when we were about to be crushed by those rocks. Him that helped save me from the Bohrok. He was the one that always tried to lighten us up and crack a joke, if only for the sake of reminding us that we were a team.

And I...

I forgot all about him.

X x X

It's been ten years since Lewa's death...and a lot of things have happened since then. Tahu and Gali got married and currently have a four year old daughter that they named Kazoku. She's her parents' pride and joy, and has, unfortunately, her father's temper and powers. But her color is a deep purple and her eyes are gold, signifying that there IS some of her mother in her. Gali moved to Ta-Metru once this happened, although she goes to Ga-Metru every day, sometimes bringing Kazoku with her. Kazoku mainly spends time with her father though, as he is her teacher and shows her how to use her powers.

Pohatu still lives in Po-Metru, although he spends most of his time in the carving area, supervising and learning from the various carvers. Hafu especially helps to teach him how to carve. He's getting to be quite good. It's funny...he's the Toa of Stone, but never really bothered to learn carving. All he did with it was practice his beloved kolhii and work out.

He and Onua are still great friends, and visit each other on a regular basis. Onua still loves to dig, although his new passion lies in the history of the island. He finds out something new every day, and when he does, he's just like an excited child. He helps the archivists with the more unruly of the exhibits, like the one Rahi that can become whatever it wants, and the two-headed Tarakava.

Takanuva helps Turaga Dume to run the island. Dume talks of giving leadership over to either him or Vakama once he passes, as Takanuva has become an exceptionally wise being with all the years of training. He's still curious about the world, and as such visits Onu- and Ko-Metru on a regular basis to learn about things. He also can't help but travel around a lot, and is usually the one Turaga Dume sends on ambassador missions to other islands. As he has such a friendly and easy-going personality, there have been few islands that have refused the invitation to form an alliance.

As for me, Kopaka Nuva...I'm still just me. I still spend nearly all my time alone, even more so now, though. The only place where I feel truly comfortable is in Ko-Metru, in the ice and snow that shaped me into what I am today.

The only picture of all seven of us hangs in my hut, right on the wall where I can see it no matter where I am. I, of course, am off to the side, my arms crossed and not looking at the camera. Tahu is in the middle, one arm around Gali on his right, the other around Lewa to his left. Pohatu and Onua are goofing off to Lewa's left, and Takanuva squeezes in between them, laughing. Whenever I see that picture, I always feel...just a little bit happier.

Today, Kazoku is with me, as both her parents are busy on missions. Why she likes to spend so much time with me, her "Uncle Kopaka" as she calls me, is beyond me. I'm nothing like her, but she still seems to love me anyway.

"Kazo." I called to the four year old who sat on the floor of my hut while the snow raged outside, absently re-drawing the picture on my wall. She looked at me and gave me that innocent grin that could make any being melt. "Yeah?"

"What do you see?" I asked her, indicating the picture she was attempting to copy.

"You...an' Mommy an' Daddy...Uncle Pohatu, Uncle Onua, Uncle Taka..." She frowned as her gold eyes fell on the last occupant. "I'm...dunno who that one is, Uncle Kopaka...sorry..." She gave me a sheepish look.

I patted her head, staring at his laughing face, set forever in time. "It's alright, little one. You never met him."

She nodded and went back to her drawing. I stared at it, as the memories came flooding back.

_The rain had fallen fast and hard ever since Lewa breathed his last breath, and just wouldn't seem to stop. Not even Gali could change the weather's mind, and I'm not sure she wanted to. The shadows of our people could be seen on the wooden coffin resting on the damp grass. His ashen face could be seen in it. A hint of a small smile was on his face. His katanas were placed in his hands, which were folded on his chest._

_That day was probably the quietest that Metru Nui has ever seen. Turaga Dume and the six elemental Turaga stood behind it, all of them with their heads bowed. Onewa could be seen shaking his head, muttering that another one was gone...a single orange flower was tied to the head of his hammer._

_We remaining Toa also stood in a line, Onua, Pohatu, Gali, Tahu, Takanuva, and myself. Takanuva took my hand, and I held it, savoring the one small comfort I'd had since Lewa died._

_Turaga Dume turned around and started speaking, his voice magnified by the microphone in front of him. His voice was grave as he spoke. "We gather here today, people of Metru Nui, to grieve over one of our seven beloved heroes...Toa Lewa Nuva. He was a kind and peaceful being who loved to help others...in battle, risking his life to save his comrade, Toa Kopaka..." His eyes closed almost painfully as my heart gave a guilty twinge. "Enough...enough..." his hoarse voice exclaimed. His eyes reopened, and I could see the tears that were gathered in them. "It was because of us that he died._

"_We, his own people, killed him, slowly and painfully. We simply refused to see the pain, the pure loneliness behind him...the mask of contentment he wore...he died, mercifully, surrounded by many who wished to save him...and his very last words were..."_

_Turaga Dume took a deep breath, collecting himself. Behind him, Matau broke into tears._

"_His last words were 'I'm sorry I'm so weak'."_

_The entire mass of Matoran stayed quiet. Even delegates from other islands were there, all with their heads bowed respectfully._

_Gali gave me a gentle shove from behind, and I stumbled against Pohatu as he strode to the coffin and began to lower the lid. I then realized it was the last time I would see my little brother. My hands faltered on the lid, then tightened, and I slammed it down a bit harder than I had meant to. The sound reverberated through the otherwise silent air. I felt everyone's eyes boring into me._

_A green glow materialized over the shut coffin, and in front of my very eyes, a green Toa wearing a Mask of Stealth appeared, a stern yet sad look in his red eyes._

We have received the child's soul. _he said._ He has been welcomed into our midst with all the love and care we have to offer.

_He bowed to Turaga Dume stiffly and waited. Dume bowed back, some tears finally falling from his eyes. "Thank you, Nidhiki. I...WE are happy to hear that."_

_Nidhiki's red eyes wandered over the Toa Nuva, lingering long over me. _Your Toa are strong and worthy of their title. _he said finally._ But remember this, Toa Nuva - those who do not do their duty are scum. But those who would abandon their families...I cannot think of a punishment bad enough for them.

_The assembly was once again silent, and with a spark of green light, Nidhiki vanished as another ghost took his place. This one was orange, with a Kakama, but she did not speak. She merely gazed sadly at the coffin before opening her mouth. The orange flower dropped from Onewa's hand and onto the ground._

The dirty window has been cleansed. May it stay as such forever, and those with the ability to clean it do what they must.

_And with that, Toa Natay also disappeared._

I closed my eyes as I remembered that day, wishing I could meet him again, apologize for what I had done...but it was too late.

A sudden loud THUNK shook me from my sad thoughts, and I looked over at Kazoku, who had somehow managed to run into the wall. Her charge had knocked the picture off of the wall, and she looked at me in distress before sniffling.

I smiled gently and patted her head, picking it up. "Don't worry, Kazoku. I can fix it, watch."

"No...it's not that." she sniffed. "I...wanted to see what was written on the back."

I blinked, confused. "What?"

"My Akaku." Kazoku said sheepishly, pointing to the picture. "I saw words on the back of it with my Akaku...an' I wanted to read them...but I couldn't." She turned big gold eyes on me. "Uncle Kopaka, can ya read 'em to me?"

My smile returned. For her, anything. "Of course." I turned it over and began to read. "To my big brother, I know I'm a pest and all, but..." I stopped, my eyes widening and filling with tears. Five insignificant little words that shouldn't have done anything, but that tore my heart into pieces anyway.

"But what?" Kazoku tugged on my arm, prompting me to go on. When I didn't, she looked at it herself, and read out loud, "You...are...mmm...y? Best...friend."

_You are my best friend._

I...I couldn't...

_Mata Nui..._

_If you can hear me..._

_Please..._

_Give me another chance..._

X x X

_"Show me love, show me love, show me love,_

_Show me love, show me love_

_Till it's inside my pores_

_Show me love, show me love, show me love,_

_Show me love, show me love_

_Till I'm screaming for more."_

_--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_

X x X


	7. Show Me Love

**And it's finished! Thankfully my dad's PC has MSWord on it...so I can at least post SOMETHING XD I copied and pasted this from my BZP account, cuz I feel bad about not being able to update anything else.**

**Disclaimer:** Bionicle is not mine, nor my brother / beta's. Bah. The song "Show Me Love" belongs to t.A.T.u., by the way...I kinda forgot to mention that in every other disclaimer I've done for this fic. o0 Another interesting thing I've just found out is that that band's name means "this girl loves that girl". Funny, huh?

**Summary:** Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.

**Dirty Window - Epilogue  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_"Show me love, show me love  
Give me all that I want  
Show me love, show me love  
Give me all that I want..."_

X x X

_One thousand years later..._

Laughter rang out in the main Knowledge Tower as two Matoran children ran down the halls, chasing each other around with toy swords, occasionally taking a swing at each other. Even when one hit, however, both just laughed harder, knowing that the culprit hadn't meant to be hurtful. One was green with a Miru, and the other was white with an Akaku.

The green one, who was much smaller, suddenly ran smack dab into something small and white, and fell back onto his bottom on the floor. He grinned sheepishly up at the grim shape before him as his companion caught up and helped him off the floor.

"Ahn...sorry Turaga Kopaka! I didn't see ya there!"

Turaga Kopaka gave him a stern smile, stern, but a smile nonetheless. "You should be more careful, Lito. Someday you might actually hurt yourself."

"I told him to be careful." the older Matoran child, the white Ko-Matoran one, said quickly, giving Lito a small glare. "But he just doesn't listen." 

"Hn." the old Turaga hummed, "You should be more attentive to your older brother, Lito. Although..." his blue eyes twinkled, "Kano would do well to heed his own advice. That was two pairs of feet running I heard."

Kano's white mask turned red as he blushed. "Right, Turaga."

"Turaga..." Lito pulled on the Turaga's robe, pointing to something on the wall. "Who're they?"

The Turaga's eyes misted over as he gazed upon the picture, an exact replica of the one he had in his hut. "They...were my team. All the Turaga on this island were once one of those Toa."

"What about that one?" Kano pointed to the green one with a Miru Nuva and a huge laughing grin. "He looks nice. But we don't have an Air Turaga, Turaga Kopaka. Who is he?"

"He was called Lewa, Toa Nuva of Air, guardian of Le-Metru." Kopaka said quietly. "Tell me, Kano...what do you see when you look at that picture?"

Kano shrugged embarrassedly. "I see a bunch of Toa, Turaga. Nothing more." 

"Ah." The Turaga's gentle smile was back. "I thought so. Now, Lito..." The younger brother looked up at him, yellow eyes shining innocently. After all, what was a five year old to be except innocent?

"Lito, what do YOU see?"

Lito scrunched his face up, studying it silently. Then, he smiled brightly and said, 

"I see a family!"

A single tear slipped from the old Turaga's eye. "That's right..." He gazed down at Kano, who stiffened immediately under the scrutinizing gaze. It made him feel as if he were being looked straight through or something. Instinctively, he drew his younger brother close to him, holding him protectively. The Turaga smiled.

"Keep him safe, Kano. That's what brothers do."

The twelve year old nodded enthusiastically. "Right!" He picked Lito up and cradled him gently, crooning to him, "Alright, big guy, time for your nap. You know how much of a mother hen Toa Kazoku is."

"'m not sleepy!" Lito protested, but his big yawn falsified that statement. Kano carried him off, their small but good-natured argument fading away as they went.

Turaga Kopaka watched them until they were gone, and then turned his gaze back to the picture on the wall. "They're just like us, brother...and Kano will always be the older brother I should have been to you...don't worry. They'll both make fine Toa some day."

He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn that Lewa's image winked at him.

And with that, Turaga Kopaka of Metru Nui smiled.

"Uncle?" He stopped and smiled up at the island's resident Toa. "Kazoku." 

Toa Kazoku Nuva smiled down at him through her Mask of Shielding, her bright purple coloring shining in the light of the hallway. "They really WILL make great Toa someday...Kano and Lito..." she said.

Kopaka nodded. "Indeed...do you remember when Kano first came to us? Just a shivering little orphan, with no past or parents..."

"That's why we gave him Lito, remember?" Kazoku reminded him. "To show him what it's like to have a family..." When he was silent, she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Uncle Lewa would have been proud of you." she said quietly.

Her "uncle" smiled up at her and took her hand. "Come, let's go find your two charges. I swear, the way you baby those two..."

"Oh, shut up." She swatted his shoulder, but the grin on her face belied no anger. "You were the same with me."

As they went, a shape hovering in the air right next to the picture smiled. _"I AM proud, big brother..."_ His smile grew a little sad, then brightened. _"I'll be watching them, and you, too."_

The spirit of Lewa Nuva spread the green feathery wings on his back and flew off into the morning sky until he was naught but a star on the horizon.

X x X

_"Show me love, show me love  
Give me all that I want  
Show me love, show me love  
Till I'm screaming for more..."  
--t.A.T.u., "Show Me Love"_

X x X

**END**


	8. Alternate Chapter: What Have You Done?

**Um...this is like seriously late. Like, **_**three years late**_**. Yeah. Don't judge me. At first, when this fic was written in April of 2007 on BZPower, I had every intention of posting this alternate of chapter five. But afterwards, I thought differently of it. The story was finished, and I thought posting the alternate chapter five, where Lewa survives instead of dying, would retract from it. But my guilt over not posting it after I said I would write it finally won out, and here it is.**

**Though, not EVERYTHING is different - the first few pages are still the same as in the original. Once you get to the different part, you'll know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone mentioned in this fic, sorry. Well...OK, I own Natay. Whoa, I just rhymed. Awesome. But there's only slight mentions of her, so nya. "Show Me Love" belongs to t.A.T.u.**

**Summary: Lewa wears more than just one mask. And slowly, it's tearing away. Angstfic, Lewa-centric.**

**Dirty Window ****  
****By: Saya Moonshadow ****  
****Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

_Alternate of Chapter Five: What Have You Done?_

* * *

"KOPAKA NUVA, GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE _RIGHT_ NOW!"

I turned around to face him, fixing my usually impassive face into a scowl. This scowl I reserved just for him; he was the only one who could annoy me this much. Besides Lewa. Lewa just annoyed me no matter what he did. I wasn't sure why, but he just did. That's all I knew, and all I wanted to know.

"What, Tahu?" I snapped, allowing him to catch up to me. He was practically shooting steam out of his mouth. Gali was hanging onto his left arm, trying to hold him back. All she managed to do, really, was make grooves in the ground where her feet had dug in. When Tahu was mad, he didn't need a Pakari to be strong.

Emotions were weird that way; they did things to the body, made it different. I knew for a fact that when I'm scared, adrenaline pumps through my veins, giving me extra strength and speed. And Tahu nearly always let his emotions get away with him. It was part of the reason I've never liked him all that much.

He stormed right up to me, and poked me hard in the chest. I winced; wow, it actually hurt. And then he started yelling, and I wondered why Mata Nui didn't make earlids as well as eyelids so that people could block out bad sounds as well as images.

"You," he hissed, his finger actually bruising me, "get your butt back there RIGHT now, or so help me, I will melt you into nothing but tiny little atoms that will immediately disperse into the air. And I mean NOW."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?" I asked. "You honestly think he's going to die, Tahu? He's Lewa. Lewa would bounce back even if someone managed to kill him. There's no reason to get upset about anything. It's just a pointless waste of emotion and energy."

And I swear steam flew out of his mouth. "You - you - you -" he stuttered, too angry to speak properly.

Gali sighed and tugged on his arm, giving me a sad look. "As much as I hate to say this, Kopaka, Tahu's right. What you did back there was cruel and heartless. Don't you see?" she asked, "He cares about you so much. You're his big brother, he'd do anything to prove himself to you. And the way you don't even care that he threw away his life to protect you? That just killed him, Kopaka...absolutely KILLED him."

I shrugged. "That's his problem for being so emotional." I replied. "It's not my fault he did what he did."

"So if he really were to just suddenly die, you wouldn't care?" she asked softly. Tahu froze and stared at me, pinkish eyes narrowed.

I didn't know what to say. Of course if he died, I would be sad; he was my teammate. But it wouldn't particularly hurt me. Matoran died all the time; after being unable to save so many of them, my heart simply hardened to things like that. People lived, people died. It was the way of the universe.

"I would care, of course." I said slowly, taking my time to think. "But I'd get over it. Do you honestly think he'd want you to grieve overlong about him, Gali? I'm grateful he saved my life; if it had been ME that had gotten bit by that Nui Jaga, I would already be gone. I haven't had the same engineering he's had. But the choice was his. Nothing I or anyone else can do about it."

"I can save him." she spat. "I can, and when we get back there, I will."

I snorted. "It's beyond you to be able to heal that." I told her flatly. "I saw his blood flow too, Gali - it's too messed up to be fixed. You know it."

"If I had enough energy, I could." she said, crossing her arms angrily. "Have faith in us, Kopaka - we're not the dumb animals you take us to be! We're your family, and Mata Nui help me, I am NOT just going to let you treat our brother like a discarded toy. He's in there hurting, Kopaka. And it's because of what YOU said."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Fine, I'll go apologize. Just shut up already."

Gali glared at me, then turned on her heel and marched back to the clinic, dragging a once again struggling to get at me Tahu by the arm. His eyes flashed dangerously; obviously he was letting me that this wasn't over yet.

I sighed and followed them. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner I could leave and get on with my life. The clinic was only about half a mile away; I hadn't gotten far before my teammates caught up with me. In truth, I DID feel a little bit bad - I knew he cared about me, looked up to me. But it WAS his fault. I didn't ask him to throw away his life.

Not my fault...

When we got back to the hospital, however, Ga-Matoran were rushing everywhere, screaming orders to each other. One with a different air than the others', a more leaderly air, shouted, "GET THE PUMPS! SAVE HIM, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! TOA LEWA MUSTN'T DIE!"

My heart stopped. Gali grabbed my hand as well and dragged both Tahu and I upstairs to Lewa's room. We fought our way (or rather, she did) into the room past the crowd of Matoran all clamoring to get in and help, and stopped.

I felt something inside of me break at the sight before me. Literally pouring from my brother's mouth was a river of his own body fluids, and he wasn't moving. His once bright green coloring was very dusty, as though it had been washed out. Pohatu, Onua, and Takanuva were gathered around him, all shouting for him to wake up.

"LEWA!" Tahu cried, and ran through the crowd, knocking several of them over, to get to his bedside. I merely stood stock-still, unable to move.

No...not just when I was coming to apologize...

His heart monitor wasn't moving; just a long straight green line.

I made my way over and took his wrist, trying to check his pulse. Nothing. And when I laid my head on his chest with complete disregard to the mess coming from his mouth, I heard nothing. And then I saw it.

His heartlight was out.

The green glow that was always so strong, even this morning when I'd seen him, was gone. Completely dimmed, just black.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gali form a ball of some kind of healing energy between her fingers, and send it over his form. It did nothing. Not even when she did it three more times, finally almost collapsing from exhausting her energy did it work.

My little brother really was...

_...dead._

Outside, a clap of thunder sounded, and rain began to pour down from the skies in a heavier torrent than I'd ever seen before. The window right above his head, which I had noticed earlier to have been dirty, was now slightly cleaner. It looked to have been wiped quickly by someone's hand. Seeing Takanuva's dirty left hand, I knew who had done it.

Someone like Lewa would want a clean window that he could see out of.

Not a dirty one.

Somehow, that was all I could think of, and what I had done to him. I had made his life just like that dirty window. By hurting him so much and so many times, I dirtied his heart, until he couldn't see out of it.

Then, by some miracle, the heart monitor started again, slowly, and he opened his eyes. I felt my own eyes brim with tears as I stood over him, his hand in mine.

Lewa smiled at me, then coughed again. This time, I could clearly tell he was so sick; it was just so obvious.

"Kopaka...brother..." he murmured.

"L-Lewa!" Pohatu yelped, seizing his other hand and squeezing it. "You're alright!"

To all of our shock and terror, he shook his head. "No...he's gonna let me in this time, Pohatu...but I have to..."

"To what?" Pohatu cried, tears pouring from his eyes. "What do you have to do?!"

Lewa closed his eyes for a minute, then opened them again. They were glazed over with pain, but I had no doubt that he saw me. Me, his older brother.

Me, the one who failed him all these years.

"...just wanted to say sorry I'm so weak." he whispered, then his eyes flickered closed again. His hand in mine twitched, then went limp.

That was aimed at me. I didn't move as everyone else in the room went absolutely crazy. Just complete and total shock...

* * *

It's strange - I feel like I'm drowning.

"Why don't you open your eyes...?"

His hand is cold.

"Lewa."

I...I can't hear them. I can't hear anything else except for my own voice.

"Lewa...Lewa, open...open them."

My fingers brush against his face, and it's just as cold as his hand. My free hand drifts from his face to his heartlight.

"Please, Lewa."

There is a hand on my own shoulder - Takanuva's. He's saying something to me, and I can feel his tears dripping onto me, but I can't hear him. I turn back to Lewa.

"Lewa?"

Don't do this to me. You're not allowed to do this to me.

He's not dead, and I'm not crying.

"Lewa..."

My voice isn't choked by sobs.

"Lewa!"

I'm not throwing myself onto his body, and I'm not crying over him.

"Please...please..."

* * *

_(He is dead, and I'm crying.)_

* * *

"_Lookie, brother, I caught it!" Lewa was calling to me, hanging upside down from a tree with a baby Gukko bird in his hands. "It fell outta the nest, and I CAUGHT IT!"_

_I rolled my eyes, but applauded lightly. "Very nice. Put it back though, or its mother will attack you."_

"_Yeah, that'd probably be a good idea, huh?" he laughed nervously, then set the baby Gukko back in its nest. It chirped at him, and snuggled down, seeming to fall asleep._

_Lewa laughed and hopped down in front of me. "Help me train!" he commanded, taking my arm and dragging me off._

* * *

_(I can hardly talk because of the sobs that I can't keep down.)_

* * *

"_...then again, there's nothing like a little togetherness..." he said, laughing as the earth shook and the Mangai spewed lava. Onua turned to him..._

* * *

_(I'm bent over him, and I'm more than crying - I'm screaming.)_

* * *

"_...it got me." he said quietly. "I wasn't paying attention, and they just - held me down and slapped it on me...and I heard things, they wanted me to kill my own villagers...and I wanted to do it..."_

* * *

"LEWA!"

* * *

"_...sorry I'm so weak..."_

* * *

I had never felt alone before. Even when I first arrived on Mata Nui with no memory of myself or who I was, I had instinctively known that I was not alone. There were people around who would understand me, though I fervently denied that anyone could possible understand ME.

The King of Ice, they called me, and no one could deny that I hadn't earned the nickname.

That was the bright side of having a little brother - no matter what, he never left me alone. When he was around, I felt alive. I didn't have to be the King of Ice any longer, though I still tried to pretend that I was anyway. Emotions were stupid things to have...but I couldn't bring myself to hate the fact that Lewa and I were brothers. It made me feel warm, knowing that I had someone who looked up to me in that way.

I was alone now, despite all the others who were in the room with me, so terribly alone. He was there in front of me, but that wasn't really him anymore, was it? Nothing but a shell any longer, nothing but an empty body without a heartlight...

Where was the King of Ice now? That aspect of me was gone, swallowed up inside of something much greater.

I had never felt grief before, and right now, it was hitting me full on. Stronger than love, stronger than indifference, I could hardly think because of the pain it caused me.

"LEWA!" I screamed. "C-come back...come back...please...please..."

Someone had once told me that tears were the best way to relieve pain, but right now, they were doing nothing. What good were they? They wouldn't bring him back. But I couldn't stop crying. The idea of stopping never even occurred to me.

"I'm sorry!" The words burst out of me, words I honestly could not remember ever having said before, much less to him. "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!"

The things we had accomplished together - it was strange how I could even remember those things at such a time. Without Lewa, we weren't whole anymore. _I_ wasn't whole anymore. Six Toa together could accomplish anything, but we no longer had--

For a moment, the sob froze in my throat. Wait. We DID have six Toa, and one of them was a Toa of Light. Light, the element that bordered on holy, with the power to purify and forgive.

And this particular Toa of Light had once been part of a revival ceremony, had been revived himself. If he could perform the feat twice, why not a third time?

Sound beyond my own voice returned to me in that moment.

* * *

"Kopaka! Kopaka, that's enough, he's gone, there's nothing you can do!"

Takanuva's voice. The very being I needed.

I didn't quite manage to stop crying as I pushed myself off of Lewa's body and turned to stare at our newest member. Should have gotten him before Lewa? No. Lewa was my brother, and while Takanuva was a member of our team, he could never be a replacement.

"Takanuva," I managed to say, though my voice shook. "I...I need a favor."

He looked wary, letting go of my shoulder and his own eyes dripping with tears. "W-what?"

"Haven't you done enough?" Tahu snarled, then swayed, overcome for a moment. This was the first time I had seen him cry as well - but strong displays of emotion characterized Tahu into who he really was. Even still, for him to cry...he was just as likely to cry as I was. Both our first times, then. "Haven't you done enough damage?" he continued once he was in control again. "This wouldn't have happened if--"

"You have done a revival before," I said to Takanuva, who looked shocked. He knew what I wanted. "You can - you can r-revive him too."

"I...I don't...know..." he stammered, and I felt rage coursing through me. "I-I had Teridax helping me when I revived Jaller; that was mostly his power, not mine..."

But before I could act, Gali stepped in. She looked calm, though like the rest of us, her face was wet. "Light is a healing element," she said, her voice thick with tears. "So's water. If we work together..."

Together? Two did not make the best odds. I didn't care if it killed me; if it meant saving my brother, then I would do it. I was going to help as well. "And I."

And Fire as well - the purifying element that burned away at good and bad at once, but controlled, a fire was a true force for good.

Stone and Earth - Pohatu's hand, glowing faintly, covered mine, which still lay on Lewa's heartlight, and he gave me a shaky smile that wasn't quite a smile. It was too pained to really be called that. "If Teridax can do it, so can we," he said, and Onua's own glowing hand soundlessly covered his.

Tahu's hand covered Onua's, and Gali's hand curled around Tahu's, both of theirs gleaming with their own respective colors. Already steam was beginning to rise from them.

Only Takanuva was left, still hesitating.

Why was he hesitating?! "Why are you hesitating?!" I snarled at him, making him flinch. "Bring him back!"

He hesitated for another moment, and then his hand began to shine so bright that I had to turn away and look back at Lewa's covered heartlight again.

Slowly, his hand covered Gali's, and the blinding light in it began to travel down though hers, taking her blue glow with it. Then Tahu's, then Onua's, then Pohatu's, then...mine. I concentrated all my power into the energy he had created.

If Water could heal, then by extension, so could Ice. After all, it was nothing but the solid form of Water.

The energy was warm, though I could feel Takanuva's regret and fear in it. He regretted hurting Lewa and feared that this wouldn't work. I would make it work.

_Ice can heal,_ I told myself. _I can save him._

The energy, still glowing with our power and colors, finally sank out of my hand after I had poured every inch of my elemental power into it, and disappeared in Lewa's chest.

No one moved; I was the stillest of all.

Then, after a minute, Takanuva sighed and took his hand off, turning away as more tears began to fall. "I...I'm sorry." he said, his back turned to us. "I'm just not strong enough."

_...sorry I'm so weak..._

No...

One by one, the others removed their hands as well, and I felt Pohatu's fingers clenching around my shoulders to try and drag me away with them.

No, no, this wasn't possible. It was supposed to work! Why hadn't it worked?

"I don't really know what to say, Kopaka," he said, forcing me over towards the door where a crowd of Ga-Matoran waited outside, having run from the room once I had begun screaming. "But I suppose...better late than never, huh?"

_Why didn't it work?_

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost didn't hear the sound behind us - a cough.

Dead bodies don't cough.

"What...what did you guys do to me...?"

I whirled around at the same time that the others did. But none of them were as fast as I was to run back to him and leap upon him, nearly squeezing the newly-returned life back out of him again.

* * *

"Why'd you bring me back?" Lewa asked, staring up at me with eyes that were huge with pain. "Why'd you do that?"

"Idiot," I growled, then let out another sob. Why was I still crying if I was happy? Happy tears, what a ridiculous thing. But these tears WERE happy, the happiest I'd ever been in my life.

Takanuva had been strong enough, and my plan had worked. Lewa was alive, even though I knew it would take a long time to repair the damage that I had done.

"I - we brought you back because we missed you."

"Don't lie to me!" I pulled back from him. He was crying as well, but for a different reason from me. "You didn't want me!"

I didn't get to say anything else, because Pohatu shouted, "LEWA!" and catapulted himself onto his other side, almost flattening him. He was quickly followed by Tahu, who was crying again as well. Then came Gali, Onua, and Takanuva, the last of which was looking almost dazed.

I had to remember to thank him later...

"And - and you BELIEVED me?!" I snapped. I shook my head, using the time to wipe my eyes. But I knew that simple sentence was nowhere near being an apology, nor an explanation. He wanted answers, and he would get them.

"Lewa..."

He didn't look at me, just stared at the floor and ignored our other teammates.

"I know I was...terrible to you and all..."

By now, the others had pulled themselves off of him, and were glancing back and forth at us, first me then him and back again.

"And I know that I don't deserve it, but..."

"But what?" he asked, sounding exhausted. "Why didn't you just let me die? That's what you wanted, right?" His eyes met mine, filled with tears. "I - I heard you, in the forest! You - you said you--"

"I was an idiot, alright?!" That shocked him into silence, and I plowed on while he couldn't interrupt me again. "I was stupid to say that stuff, and I was stupid to think that I could ever mean it! But," I glared at him. "I swear, if you EVER believe me when I say that kind of stuff again, I'll..."

It probably wasn't the greatest idea to threaten him right after I had saved him, but the anger came naturally - why had we both been so stupid? Why had I put him at that kind of risk, and why had he believed me?

I took a deep breath. "I saved you because you're my brother." A hand reached out and touched his shoulder where the Nui Jaga had bitten him months ago. "I'm not just trying to repay you for this thing here - I-I actually CARE about you, alright? You're my brother, and that's...that's what brothers do."

It was a horrible way to end my speech (which had been stupid and all over the place to begin with), but I didn't care. I just wanted him to get that he wasn't as useless as I had made him think he was.

I sighed. "I'm - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have told you that before but I didn't, and I'm sorry!"

Gali sniffled behind me, but I paid her no heed. Tahu would take care of her, but I had my own things to deal with.

"You really mean it?" Lewa's eyes gave nothing away, neither did his face. It was just blank, like a doll. Eerily reminiscent of how I had always tried to be.

"I - of course I do, why would I say it otherwise?"

It was too much to hope that he would smile again, a REAL smile, not one of his fake ones, but then there it was. A smile that was barely there, but a smile nonetheless.

"OK."

He hadn't forgiven me, but that didn't matter. Eventually, I would make it so that he would, and things would become how they were supposed to be. Lewa would smile - truly smile, Tahu and Gali would continue to bicker while still trying to hide how they actually felt from each other, Pohatu would be the group therapist as always, Onua would continue on saving us all from danger, as he seemed to have done for all of us too many times by then, and Takanuva would carry on as the little dreamer who went on to become a savior.

And I would cast off the King of Ice. I had learned my lesson. Shutting myself off from my family was the worst decision I had ever made.

It wouldn't happen again.

* * *

Lewa would spend a full two weeks more in that hospital bed, recovering his strength. The poison and disease in his system were gone, cleansed by Takanuva's power mixed with our own, but he was still weak from dying and being pulled back from death.

The first time he was finally able to step back outside, he wobbled and would have fallen if I hadn't been holding onto him. "Are you alright?" I asked. He still looked so pale.

But despite the tiredness in his face, Lewa nodded and took another step.

He had only taken a few more when he had to rest again. As he sat there on the beach, panting and regaining his strength, I finally got up the courage to say it again.

"I...I really am sorry, Lewa."

"For what?" he asked, not looking at me.

I blinked. For WHAT, he asked? "For...for everything."

He smiled at me then, a real smile. "I already forgave you, stupid. Thought you already knew that."

My mouth was hanging open, and I quickly shut it before anyone else saw. "But...but why?"

"That's what brothers do, isn't it?" he asked, and I fell silent. "You apologized, and you're actually sorry. That's all that matters." His smile grew. "So it's OK. You don't havta apologize anymore."

What brothers do...I suppose. I wasn't sure that were I in his place, I would be half as forgiving, but that was what made him Lewa. I smiled back at him.

"OK."

"Now help me get up." He held a hand out to me, which I grasped. "I gotta learn how to walk again."

He stumbled many more times, but kept going even though he had to take several more rests in between. It took us hours to walk a short distance and back, where we were met by Turaga Nokama who scolded me for exerting him too much and him for letting me do it.

"Up to that bed with you!" she snapped at Lewa. "You can go home in the morning, but for now, get!" Her eyes passed over me, and she sighed. "And I suppose you'll be staying again as well?"

I nodded. "Of course."

"Hm." She hummed. "Well, you're learning fast, I suppose. Just make sure I don't hear you two talking all night again; I have other patients here to attend to, and you'll keep them all awake."

"Yes Turaga."

I somehow managed to drag Lewa back up the stairs and into his room again, and he laughed at the effort I had to put into it. No matter what anyone said, for being a skinny twig of a Toa, he was still _heavy._

* * *

"_Brother?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_You really mean it when you say you're sorry?"_

"_Of course. Why?"_

"_Just makin' sure you aren't going to take it back or something."_

"_Why would I bother saying it if I didn't actually mean it?"_

_He laughed. "I'm kidding, Kopaka. I know you mean it."_

"_Oh."_

"_Hah, your mask's red!"_

"_It is not."_

"_Is too." He yawned. "Goodnight, Kopaka."_

"_Goodnight, Lewa."_

* * *

That smile was still on his face when I woke up the next day.

* * *

**AN: And...yeah, there it was. It...kind of sucks, lol, but whatevs. At least I finally got it out, right?**

**This fic has officially been added to the List of Crap Saya Wants to Redo Someday. Cuz my writing from three years ago is baaaaaaaaad DX**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed the cheesiness and forgive me for being so friggin' late! *dodges rotten fruit***


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